I've read it again (this time at Stan's blog)... another person who doesn't understand that it's not acceptable to blame the victim and to not set all responsibility for a person's bad behavior on the one that's behaving badly.
Stan appeared genuinely puzzled about the school that got into trouble for posting a sign up to greet the students that read...
"The more you act like a lady, the more he'll act like a gentleman."
Stan's questions are the typical ones...
"I guess her message is that no one (male or female) has any impact on
how people treat them and shouldn't concern themselves with that? I hear
her complaining that girls should not act like a lady? I am
assuming she did not read the implied, "And you guys -- the more you act
like gentlemen, the more she'll act like a lady"? I'm missing it ...
entirely."
The ONE thing he's getting right is that he's missing it. Entirely.
Imagine a sign on the school walls as the kids walk in the first day of school...
"The less you act like a fundamentalist Christian, the less likely that you'll be beat up."
or,
"The more you act like a straight guy, the better the homophobes will treat you."
or, what if the sign had read,
"The more you wear clothes that show your ankles or (Allah forbid!), your calves, the more you'll be treated like a slut."
The problems with the sign are...
1. It promotes rape and rape culture. You may not understand that it does (apparently Stan doesn't, given his befuddlement) but it does. Stop promoting rape culture. Stop defending rapists. This is what people like Stan are doing, by their admitted lack of understanding. Again, I GET that maybe he truly doesn't understand that it does that, but I'm helping him and his tribe out by letting you all know that it does.
2. It blames the victim instead of holding assailants responsible for their own bad actions. (You'll note that there were no signs up in school that said, "Guys, you can't grab a girl's breast just because you find the clothes she's wearing too sexy..." The blame/responsibility was solely on women.)
3. It's an arbitrary standard created by the guys who rape and harass
. Who says what "acting like a lady" means? Is wearing a skirt that shows your calves too "slutty..."? How about if only your ankles are showing... does THAT mean you're a "slut" and not a "lady..."? Is dating too many guys in one year not "lady-like..."? What IS the right number? WHO gets to make that call? Why is it the rapists and the men who are telling women what's "too sexy..." or "too unlady-like..."?
4. If you turn that around to any other group, or at least, a group that you're part of - "Don't act too much like an evangelical or you might get beaten up...!" - it probably becomes more obvious that it's blaming the victim for the bad behavior of aggressive Others for acting in a way that The Others find disagreeable or that invites the Others too abuse, molest or otherwise harm the victim.
Try that out. Maybe you can see how it's so wrong-headed.
The message we
should be sending out to any potential abusers is
not, "If those people act a certain way... it's
kinda understandable when you molest, abuse, harass them..."
Rather the message should be...
"It doesn't matter if a young lady wears a BIKINI to school,
It doesn't matter if she shows up only wearing a thin layer of wet toilet paper clinging to her breasts and covering her pelvis...
that does not give you the right to leer, harass or molest her.
It is
not a sign that she's any less a lady
or inviting abuse of any sort!
OF COURSE IT ISN'T!
Don't be a moron, dudes, get your crap together!
You are responsible for YOU."
So, there's the problem, Stan, and folk like Stan. YOU are responsible for YOU. If I get up today and feel like wearing pink flip flops and a tiara, that does NOT give homophobes the right to harass me because they think I'm gay or transgender. If YOU get up today and decide to put a big cross pin on your leisure suit and carry a large King James Bible around with you, that does NOT give atheists the right to belittle you. If a woman or teen-aged girl is wearing clothes that she finds fits her mood and comfort level, it is NOT A SIGN THAT SHE IS LESS A LADY because some abusers might find it "too sexy."
We must not give the rapists and their abusive brethren the power to make that call.
We must not blame the victims and lend support to the rapists.
Because, truly, that is what this sort of message does, and surely Stan and his brethren don't want to do that.